My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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