haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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