Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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