At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
