totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
