I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
