Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
