There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
