I think I just saw someone hide a body.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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