The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
