you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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