I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
