before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
