Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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