The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
