my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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