Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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