I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
