Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
