We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
