So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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