White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
