I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
