At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
