wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
