I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
