I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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