in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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