we have pet lesbian snakes
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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