his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
