I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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