totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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