just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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