ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
