The maid of honor just puked.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
