I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
