Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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