There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
