dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
