They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
