Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
