Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
