I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
