..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
