Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
