Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
