it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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