If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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