where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
