The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
