I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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