jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
