he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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