i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
