you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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