RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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