Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
